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Blackout

I had experience blackouts twice i.e when I was drunk. I still don’t have memories of those two events.

Yesterday, I experienced something scary. I was blackout for a while and NO, I wasn’t drunk. I don’t know whether it is called blackout or zone out but the feeling was so fked up. I grew up doing back and forth of that route for countless of times. But yesterday, I couldn’t figure anything that moment. I was lost. I was scared. I just couldn’t recall any memory of that route or area. I was lost in the darkness of lights. My mind was blank, vision was blurry and all I would see were blurry lights in the dark. For a while, I was just not being able to bring myself back to senses and was about to scream.

Fk! I didn’t know that I was fked up that badly. I didn’t know how hateful or pitiful kind of person I am. So I realized there are only three types of people in my life.

  1. Who pities me.
  2. Who uses me.
  3. Who hates me.

I think type 1 and type 2 are on the neck to neck. They pity me and uses me at the same time.

It’s very scary to get blackout when you are actually sane than when you are boozed out. The feeling is just not normal and at this rate I will go mad because I don’t know what’s happening in my life. Or say I want to be in a denial and that’s making it worse.

Cold Trainings!

Well I did message him after the last post…

I felt sorry and confessed pani. Told him I really get anxious at times and I cannot leave him like this… K garne hola maile? maile ta vanein and he replied me too vani pani tara yeso sochda he is saying because he is just toooo nice. He doesn’t feel the same yet he is being way too nice. He even kept me updated with what is he doing and all, he called me in so hat I can sleep. aba vana kasari na maan paraune yo manche lai, kasari! Kasari? Kasari!

Tara aja malai u ali diff lagyo, bolai, herai and call nagari he slept… feels like malai Saz aba timi le malai chodna nai parcha jasari ni types ko training…. if tyo ho vaye, ma ready vako chaina … ma ta bhuttukai hunchu hola yesari prepared na vai kana n yesari chito chito change huna thalyo vani …

I might be possible that it’s just me who is feeling like this but i did felt a little distance earlier which made me lil uncomfy…

if not ma pagal chahin sure vakai hola… sayad tei vako le malai namaan parako hola yet sweet for his presence.

 

Ouch!

Has he given up on me before I did? I am not ready and of course not like this and over the texts, definitely NO!

In my last post, I was only thinking and reasoning myself why should I leave him. But, he is removing his traces already. He is no longer talking to me. Will he cut me off just like that and this abruptly? Over the conversation we had yesterday?

Raat bhar na sutna sakein, na sochna. Maile maayaa nai garein kina uslai jahan maile uslai na najik, sangai rakhna sakchu na ta taada gari chodna. Sayad ma open up hunu hunna thiyo. Yo 33 years maa, he is the only first person who knows everything about me, my life, my wishes, my problems, my family and what not. I guess I shouldn’t have done that. I think he is drifting away due to my problems and my family.

Feri since when I started to dream and had the hope ki I can be loved too vani. Gosh!I am such a fool. I always knew ki no one will love me, I always prepared my mind like that tara maile kasari aafu lai yesari loose garein.

Aba hera, kati chattpatt chu ma? maile raat bhari maa socheko matra maile uslai usko khusi ko lai chodnu parcha vani… tara kasari? Uslai kei thaha navai kana ma sanga ahile na boldaa ma yeti chattpatt chu. Ma pagal huna lagi sakein why is he not talking to me vani. Why the morning has changed? K hijo ko kura le uslai maile feri hurt garein? Ma kina jahile galti matra garchu ani malai nai thaha hunna and always have to guess yo ho ki tyo ho ki gari?

tara sayad usko perspective bata sochyo vani may be he never had took thinks like I do and hence it is easy for him hola. Oh no!!!!!! maile ta mind bistari train matra garna khoji rako chu, decision nai leko thiyein tara aba ma kasari k garne. huna ta uslai maile k sochi rako chu thaha nai, hello vanoom? feri tyo garda uslai maan pardaina hola… maile kasari samhaalne yo sab? maile kati kura haru bujhe ko nai chaina, uslai sodhna baki nai cha aba k tyo kura haru kahile answered hunna?

Ma k garoom?? yo sab kura ma eklai le kasari jheloom? I cannot even share this to anyone (though he always thinks I blabber around about him, tara uslai thaha chaina ki yeti dher manche ko bich maa ma sandhai ekali nai chu). k garne k garne?

Why is he not talking to me? Why???

 

Now is Good…..

Having butterflies in the stomach. Talking and giggling to yourself. Imagining things and finding joys in it. Sleepless nights thinking/ dreaming about that person. Well, I am experiencing series of moments and feelings at the same time in the past and till now. And when he is not around I feel blue for no reason and stirs me inside.

It’s all good, now is good but I want to be a greedy person and ask for more. BUT, life has to give me disappointments every time and at every step where I feel and wish for something happy and good. The more I try to hold him tight, he just slips away like a sand in the hand. The more I try to be open, my thoughts and feelings get crashed down. I more I try to understand him, I end up hurting him and eventually, I am even more hurt.

I don’t know how will I survive here on, but I will have to stop whatever I am feeling. I have to give up on him and I will with time because he wants me to. He is scared to say that out clearly but this is what he meant. He gave me all vague statements as his reasons to opt out of this. He neither says he likes me nor he asked me to go; and he does have the mutual feeling as mine but we cannot be together in future. Seriously, if anyone can get this statement, I want a help understanding it. I seriously do not get this and he says I will just have to accept it as this is what he says so. Standing at the edge of his future, he rejects me and that is what he wants and says, that should be enough reason for me to accept it. But I guess, I am the dumbest person here. I do not get him and I do not have any other choice as well, as that is what he wants.

I may die very little every moment and every single day but I won’t stop liking him. He’s just simply a warm guy who always made me calm except in some cases. But I guess I can do that much for him as a punishment for being a burden to him. I am sure the reason he is being vague has to be with he being polite for not saying out loud am a wrong person for him. He is being polite and not saying out loud that he was just being nice to me and he doesn’t feel the same at all. He was just being cautious so that I won’t get hurt despite he didn’t get me there. He was just being polite to say he adores me but the fact, he had it enough out of me. He was being polite all this time putting it up by being next to me and not saying he’s embarrassed by me. He is being polite by hiding comments and conversations where he is being linked up with my name.

Sigh, I guess I am just being too selfish and greedy. And, maybe the time has come for me too to give the returns even though that will squeeze my soul out of the body.

I hope he can sleep well and stay happy always.

…..

Like the title, am at loss with words.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Come to think of from every angle I am at the fault and seems like am a bull headed person or a donkey or world’s dumbest person, who never seem to figure things out or learn out of mistakes, nor betrayals, nor experiences, nor circumstances.

I am just not believing myself, the situation and the position I am at.

I am really a pathetic person.

Suckers!!!!

Na afu bachcha, na aru lai bachna dincha …

Na afu ramro socha, na aru le soche ko digest garna sakcha…

Na afu shanta le bascha na aru lai basna dincha >.<

Afno gover ko dimag vayo vandai maa aru ko nei tei socha … sala chor haru :@

yo taal maa ta afno ghar maa matra hoina yo desh maa nai basna dindainan hola, gadhaa haru

Ma yehi kura barambar soch chu… k khana bachnu yo sansar maa? astitwa lai nai maari maari k bachnu ra? na family, na friends, na colleagues, na ta koi chine ko haru and na ta afu le maan paraye ko manche nai sangai hundainan vani, bujhdainan vani ra malai uni haru ko need anusar malai use garchan vani … ma k khana bachnu, am already living like a dead doll… jasle j jasto vanyo testai…

ali ka khusi ta hunu nai hunna ma … maan le chahiye ko kura lai garnu nai hunna maile… bhgawan le ni aankha lagaune ra cha .. testa bhagwan lai k poojarnu ra ?

kei nai cha ra yo life maa where i can see, feel , hope that i should live, live for myself vani …

Yesta life! Bloody suckers!

la la keep sucking me as much they can and want… ma bachoongel j garnu cha garosh, ek din jaba when i decide to leave then ma farki herdina koi lai ni … tyo bela ma coward vo navannu… mero limit teti ho vani bujhnu… maile marne wish gareko hoina sab jana mili malai jiundai mareko vani bujhnu … yedi teti nai bujhne chyamata chaina vaye k vannu, kasaile kei garna sakdaina… yedi maile decide garein vani yo post ta ma sab lai dekhai marchu… sab lai thaha hosh malai kasari saas saas maa mareka chan sab mili vani … bujhosh ki ma jiundai vai  kana ni kasari mari rako chu vani …

NO rights!

I am pretty sad and angry.

And now to think of it, I find myself very very pathetic. Look what am I doing? I have no one to share and ranting here or go to chatroom and fake laugh. Gosh!!

I am just wondering, is it so wrong trying to keep memories. I know he will ask me to leave him anytime but why like this? Why is he always so hesitant about our pictures.

But I guess, the lil girl from my last post made me clear now. I am actually feeling so so pathetic now, lost with words. I kind of feel lost with my own direction.

I am not being able to sleep at all. What should I do?

maan sarai dukhcha tara tyo vanda ni badhi I feel lost after hearing her. I also envy her, how boldly she can confess in front of everyone and him by her side no matter what. malai ta photo share garna ni garo. What am I even dreaming?

I feel lost in every way!