Meeting someone in life is something thats actually astonishing
Thats because he brings himself with his past, present, and his future
Thats because someone’s whole life comes along
The heart is fragile
Therefore, it might have been broken,
That heart is coming too
I am curious to know,
what kind of paths your heart went through.
The reason my heart hurts so much,
when I learned of the path his heart went through..
isn’t jealousy nor frustration
I dreamed of loving someone
The fact that you ended your love was bit sad…
Even though, you know it well,
and even though you have gone through before,
I believe whatever happens here after is no one’s fault
It will happen just to be that way
Like some waves keep on flowing while the others break
It just happens that way
So don’t worry too much
It’s not like you know all about today,
just because you lived yesterday
The fragile heart of yours might have been broken before,
but that heart still have chance to come to me
The truth may be painful and dark,
but the story will only begin then.
Well, well, how do I begin today?
It is an everyday dilemma for me. I constantly think about him and esp. with the last morning’s conversation. I mean, I don’t know, I just don’t know how should I express myself here, how should I put my thoughts here. Umm, did he approached me, because he was genuinely worried? Or scared that he will be blamed on despite being told not to worry? There are so many questions unanswered and situations not explained, will I ever get answers and explained. I really really want to know those answers.
If he was being sincere yesterday, I really want to fix things and work things out. Maybe I might need to give more effort to it and I am ready to give as well. Suddenly, I remembered him saying, “Why are you putting an effort?, did I ask you to?”. His words hit me deep down and when I remember all these stuff then I am worried if I should initiate.
My heart and mind reach to its limit every day but I never get any conclusion. Sigh! It time to refill now.
I am already a mess and trying to get help from alcohol, at least to get some sleep but it’s not helping either. After not so good sleep this morning, as soon I opened my eyes, I wanted to Viber him and ask all those questions I mentioned and thought of giving it a last try. I am a fool, right? But guess what, with my everyday dilemma, I made myself a fool and messaged him. Usually, he is slow at replying to me (not all the time though) but he was really quick today. haha, oh my goodness! Seriously, this is not me. I wasn’t like this at all. Now I am really scared to find myself like this.
I have a test tomorrow and I so wanna call him and practice. And I also know that I shouldn’t be doing that. I was so angry with him that I almost gave up this exam. I wanted to show him that I can go to any extreme when things are concerned with him. I was hurt and I guess those thoughts were my ego. If only, he hadn’t messaged me a couple of times asking me to give the exam, I would probably have missed it.
I am on my own shit and my legendary mom adds more. I don’t know how does she get all the networks from, on the verge of finding a guy for me. She comes up with a tiny biodata and tells me this is the right guy for me. A PR holder, what else do you want? I was like, SERIOUSLY? Sigh, no one understands me. I am trying to explain this guy that I can stay anywhere if only he can be with me and on the contrary, my mom thinks I am after PR, really?
My life is a joke and I cannot laugh it off. I think I should just cover up myself with the blanket and be inside the darkness because I cannot go anywhere out of this house. Or just bang my head until I forget everything.
– He messaged Hi and deleted. Guess was a wrong window. 😦
– I couldn’t manage to control. Replied and deleted.
– Am super duper happy that he is with another friend and dining out. I was worried. See things are getting better for him.
– He asked me about Sunday plan again. I am too unsure about what’s in his mind? I cannot answer him without knowing his mind.
– Keeps saying sorry and I feel bad and guilty as well.
– Saw him online few min ago and it’s late here. Another slip of fingers.
– I guess i really need to work hard on controlling my feeling.
I have too many questions floating through my mind today.
Began with, should I just message him and ask him how is he doing? Why was he up until late last night? Then thought, if I message him, I will just make myself a fool, but then it was getting really hard on me so I was ready to be called as a fool. As I was feeling tough, I was kinda getting curious at the same time about so many things.
So I typed a message as below and was hesitating to press the send button.
Samhalda samhaldai marna aati sakein. Sochda sochdai sochna na sakne vayein. Jati Timi Lai dukha Dina maan chaina Teti nai malai thaha pauna maan cha ki why did you say that? What made you think like that? Timi hijo chatroom aayera gai halyou. Aba timilai Mero presence pani ghrinaa laagh cha ho? Unknowingly vaye ni I felt like I stopped you from what you like to do. How can I help you so that I won’t be a fuss or a problem or an annoying character to you? Will I ever know the answer? Above all are you ok? Seems you had trouble sleeping last night. Ma ta pagal huna lagein. Why do I always hurt you and I don’t even realize? Why am I not being able to tell my heart, stop it?
I notice him typing and right after that,’Hi. Timi suteyna?’. I was frozen and feeling rushed to reply but I hesitated. I didn’t know what should I do. A moment ago I was typing a message and after his message, I suddenly went blank. Gosh, my heart still flutters to see his message and decided to reply but in a cold way. I really don’t want him to know that I was having a tough time and I miss him like anything.
Something surprised me and made me wonder all day long. That message, I mean when he approached, was that a telepathy? He was well aware of me not sleeping and drinking a lot (but I lied to him, don’t want him to worry). Is it merely a guess or he knows me that well? But what can I do as well, somehow drinking is bit relieving for me. At least, it puts me to sleep even if it’s for an hour.
On a second thought, I was like, did he browse my blog? No, no, no, I cannot even imagine that. If he does that, then I should be protecting post or stop venting out here. But if I have to stop here then I will be bottling up everything inside as I literally do not have anyone around to whom I can trust or share.
But hang on, he is a kind of person who hardly remembers his own accounts and details, I bet he cannot remember mine. As far I remember, I disapproved his request to follow my blog because this is the only place where I can be whoever I want to be and share things out. I know I do not have any serious follower and I do not even care. Basically, I am talking to myself here. I just need a platform to vent out and if any unknown people can share his/ her thoughts then they are always welcome but I do not feel comfy around with my own ppl thus I don’t want them here. If I feel like sharing, I share the particular post but do not allow them to go through the whole blog. And he is so lazy to scroll back all those thousands of messages to find the link to this blog.
I wonder how does he know all?
Now, another thing I kept on thinking was, why does he even want to start a conversation? I have told him a couple of times that he is not responsible for anything of I do. So why is he worried about me? He can stop. In fact, he should be happy I am out of his life now. Finally, his headache is gone but if he messages me like this then I might change my mind. And if I do so then it is going to be difficult for him. To be honest, I am already being greedy now and desperate to talk to him. But I will have to refrain myself, not for myself but for him.
He kept saying sorry but I kind of felt like he just wants to lift up my mood so that I will stop drinking and do things normally. So I kept wondering why is he even sorry and for what? Isn’t he the one always wanted to run away? Isn’t he the one wanted me to leave him? Then sorry for what? And why is he so vague always? He asked me to forgive him for asking to leave him. So does that mean the fact that he wants me to leave him is intact and yet want forgiveness for asking one? And he said, he wants to continue the Sunday plan with me. Now does this mean he doesn’t want me to leave him and asking for forgiveness for wanting me to leave him due to his short temper? Is it? Am I even getting it? Sigh!
I still want to continue the Sunday plan with you.
Oh man, when he said “with you” I melted down and forget everything that had happened. Again, I hesitated and controlled myself from getting false hope. I wonder if he means it? He did say he meant it but I still wonder if he really meant it to us. Or is he just trying to straighten up things for me so that I will get back on track? Is he forcing himself to do so and say these stuff? Did I again make him to things that he doesn’t want to?
He kept saying sorry and blaming him but I don’t know why? Like I mentioned earlier on one of the posts, we are not in a relationship, he never wanted one and yet he was saying sorry and blaming himself, which was out of my understanding. Why does he feel sorry? Why is he blaming himself? In this case, I am to blame one. I never listened to him and forced myself to have some hopes. I was the one who didn’t control the heart and the mind. So why is be being sorry? For what? I just cannot think straight and am so confused.
What should I do? How do I respond to him? Of course, I want to say let’s plan but that is not a right thing to do I guess. I cannot be selfish and greedy anymore.
However, I was happy about one particular thing. He got his Thunderbird 350. I am actually happy he decided and bought it. He was super confused and had spent so much of time on research. He contemplated on Thunderbird and Avenger. He was actually sad to know that Avenger had more good reviews and rating than the Thunderbird yet he stood by his decision. I really wish he will keep up that attitude for everything that will come across his life. I am really happy. Also, I wish him to get his license back so that he can travel everywhere without any worries and safe. When he told me he wanted to come here after he got the bike, I wanted to him, ‘Yes, I want to be the first one to ride his bike and travel’. But sigh! that would be just a dream. I can never ask for that. Anyway, I am happy for him. I am truly happy for him.
I have gone crazy. I have fallen for him madly. I fall for him every time I see him, every time I hear him, every time I talk to him and every time I read him. My heart still flutters, butterflies dance inside my stomach and then reality hits me hard saying, “wake up, I cannot have such dreams, I am not just allowed to unless I want to be selfish and greedy”.
And the tears rolled down, without even letting me know.
Sigh! and this is how I end my day so far……
K garoom ma?
Ek dum nai garo vayo. Sahanai garo vayo. nindra ni lage ko hoina kei garna maan ni chaina. Kaam chodi dim ma? Kaam nai garna maan chaina, dimag le kei sochna maan gare ta ho. Jasari maile Ok vanein, can I have some more guts to leave this house and go away? I so badly wanna talk to him. I am so tempted to message him tara I will becomes a fool right? but I dont mind becoming one pani, tara ma usko lai burden hunchu.
K garoom k ma k?
I wonder how is he doing? u pani dherai beluki samma online thiyo, he was suppose to be at peace hoina ra? k vayecha? hyaaa dikkai vayein ma. maile k garein testo ki uslai timi malai choda vannu maan vayo hola? Did i hurt him that much? Was he suffering with pain by tolerating me? malai ek choti samjhaye ko vaye ni hunthiyo ni hoina ra?
aba nindra vanne kura nalaagey si, dimag kasari chalcha? sleeping pills? Nepal maa sleeping pills kati ko sajilo pauncha? Ufff K garoom ma 😦
So after 3 straight sleepless nights, now both the mind and body are not functioning properly. I want to get cocooned somewhere and hide there forever. I don’t feel weak but a bit of a headache, maybe it is because of the combo reaction from drinking and no sleep. I have been barely sleeping and heaps of overthinking.
I can’t believe that I lost all those folders and conversation archive. I can’t believe in myself that I am doing this and for real. I can’t believe am actually doing it and against the will. I have never been like this before. I cannot stop thinking about the past and the moment he said, “Leave me and go” and “Yes, I mean it”. It pinched me badly. Gosh, I am so clueless now.
I was so disturbed that I really don’t want to move out from the bed. So I bunked office and told my mom not to disturb me as I have a bad headache. All day long, I stayed on the bed and wondering what went wrong and when? He used to tell me good things about we being together and when and what went wrong that he wants me to leave him. As soon I think of him I wanted to check that folder where I kept all the good memories of us but another disappointment, it’s no more there. I kept on wondering thinking about him only and that’s when I think I have gone crazy.
I guess heaps of people were annoyed and few were concerned after me going ga-ga on FB. So I decided to post things normally like before and not to flood. Also, I need to protect his identity because those who are very close to me and knows both of us have huge doubt about us, thinking we are in a relationship. How I wish, Sigh!! although I might sound like we were in a relationship and hence I am acting all this crazy then I have to clear this thing here. We were never in a relationship, he never wanted one. It’s me who have gone crazy about him and thus, I call this an unrequited love.
I want to take leave from work and go nowhere and stay in my room undisturbed. At times, I feel like, without me give up on my life, how nice it would be if there would be no tomorrow for me. I even thought the moment I stepped out of the house I get into the accident and dead. I mean, what’s there for me to have faith on. I have a super crazy and loud family, I don’t expect anything from them. Neither I have a glorifying job which can be my alternate happiness nor I have faith in God to hold the rope of the hope. I relied on him so much that I find my life is doomed now. I can’t even sleep without him. Don’t get me wrong here, we sleep keeping our calls on and I am just happy, even with his snores. As soon he starts to snores, I fall asleep soundly within 10 mins or so.
I have to live until I find a way to escape and before that, I have to sleep and eat on time. So I started drinking since this evening so that I can sack up my bed on time and wake up normally. I guess this is the only solution I can think of as of now.
Please tell me I did a good thing. Freeing him was a good decision at least for one. At least, one of us should be getting what we want and I don’t mind giving up on him for him. Please tell me that was the best thing I can do though I will regret the lifetime. If he is happy then I will find a way to be happy. Now, I am scared of myself as I am discovering this side of me. I don’t know how and when will I learn to balance this up.
Him: Leave me and go!
Her: Say it out again.
Her: Did you mean it when you say leave me and go?
Him: Umm, I mean it. (Without any single hesitation)
Her: Huh, say it again.
Her: Did you mean it when you say leave me and go?
Him: Yes, I mean it.
After this, things are just not right. Too many accidents. Too many lies. I have to do something to distract and cover up my lies. A lot of heart and mind war as you see the messaging popping out everywhere. But then I decided not to fall for and change my mind because I know if I melt then I will again bother him and be the burden which he cannot express ever.
Started off by leaving home to the venue and trolled around. It was really hard to kill time in that mindset so decided to watch the movie. Well, when you are having a tough time, it feels like the world is against you and that is exactly what happened. Due to some film festival, there was limited choice of movie and timing. So I decided to go back home. On the way back home I wanted to try my luck at QFX Labim as I really do not want to go back home and cry. This time round I really do not want to cry and trust me, I was holding back really well. So I got the ticket for Golmaal where as I wanted to watch Secret Superstar but who cares right? The timing was perfect. I was there at the movies but I was lost. The movie wasn’t much of help to get me the distraction.
I came back home and straight to my room without letting anyone know to avoid questions. I was holding up well. Went to the chatroom and was laughing and teasing but suddenly, I felt like I was being haunted. Viber’s notification ringtone, iMessage’s ringtone started buzzing around me continuously but obviously not from him. I don’t know happened but suddenly I started getting messages from other friends and even annoying missed calls. I cannot explain how was I feeling each time I hear those tones. I almost had gone crazy.
I thought I will be able to sleep as the night before was almost to the horror for me. But nothing was working on me hence, I drank. Instead of sleeping I was more active and all over on FB with posts. Decided to stop and update the new OS for mac. Eventually, did sleep for an hour or two (I think).
As I woke up and checked the status of the OS update it wasn’t complete. I felt empty in the morning and before I hit myself with my overthinking, I started ma FB saaga and youtube on my phone. After a while, I realized the update got frozen and I felt helpless. During that chaos, a lot of people started to message me asking, did you sleep? What’s all about the flooding and the status? But hey, can I not do that as well? Come on, if that disturbs then leave me alone and stop asking questions.
Sigh! And right then, a “Hi” pops up. I was super happy and sad at the same time. I didn’t check that message as I really do not want to fall for that again and be the burden. I do not even want to hurt him unintentionally. So, I focused on my fixing laptop as I interrupted the update, mac was not functioning well. I felt panic and don’t know what to do. I was really worried about the notes where I wrote down all my feelings which I can ever share with him or anyone. Those were for me only. Secondly, I had my passwords written down there as I have a very poor memory. Another thing I was worried about the photos of us. I had a separate folder where I stored all the photos of us, just the two of us.
As the clock hit 10. I went to mac support to fix it and they were like you have to leave the laptop here. I was hesitant but have no option and returned back home. I started my FB saaga again as I have nothing to do nor have anyone to talk to. I broke down inside and barely was holding up my tears. I got a call from mac support and said my hard drive got crashed and formatting is the only solution. Asked me to visit them before they start formatting. After I hear that, I couldn’t control myself. Seems everything is tearing apart. He asks me to leave, now the memories that i stored in that folder is very precious to me and will be gone. Tears rolled down but I cannot even cry openly because of my mom and the kids coming in and out of my room. So I rushed to mac support holding a hope to retrieve those folders back. Unfortunately, no files and folder can be retrieved. They said formatting will take a little time so I decided to go for Secret Superstar as I really do not wanted to go back home.
Went to QFX Civil Mall, got the ticket. I was not sure of what I was doing. Whenever I was low or angry in the past, the retail therapy used to help me calm down. So I hit it for another round of solo movie. The movie was really nice. After ages, I watched something this good. However, I was haunted there too. Each strum of the guitar makes my heart weaker, reminds me of him playing guitar and singing, and I just couldn’t control myself. Since I was seating in the middle of unknown people, I didn’t hesitate myself from crying. At the same time, the storyline of the movie resembles the part of my life and that added on top. I just let myself loose and cried my heart out loud till the eyeballs out. I guess that helped me a bit to feel little lighter as he was on my mind all day long and thinking about how should I move ahead.
I rushed back to mac support to get my laptop and they charged me NPR 4000/-. It wowed me. I lost all my memories stored and yet had to pay that much of amount to get the laptop fixed. I wanted to scream saying I want that folder back. Sigh!
I came back home and started reinstalling apps and everything. I reinstalled Skype where we initially used to chat and talk. Guess what, Skype got updated and all the old conversations are gone, another memory. I had pinned that account just for those memories we had and I love to read them over and over sometimes.
I just don’t know how to feel and how to react. Nothing was going right. Then another “hi” pops up. I wanted to share so much about what had happened since that night, I wanted to hear his voice so badly, I wanted to ask him again if he really meant it? But trust me I really don’t want to force him into anything and become the burden again. I really want him to remember all those good memories only. So I had to be a mean person and finally replied his message with all mean stuff and rudely. I guess I was rude enough to him not to reply back. That’s it. As long as he thinks am the bad one, it will help both of us. He will prolly move, he will able to do more stuff which he couldn’t because of me and also may be will be able to find his right one. As for me, as much as I don’t want this, I will be able to help him to move on and free him from the burdens I gave. I am not angry with him and I really want him to be happy and successful. But at the same time, I want to face him.
I don’t know, I just don’t know what am I doing and thinking but I really want to use this blog to vent out myself as I cannot share to others about what I am feeling and going through.
Do anyone think I need help here? What should I do next? I miss him heaps and lost his friendship too but I guess that is a right thing to do for him.
PS. I regret everything but i guess regret will be my medium to survive.