Slip of fingers

Well, well, how do I begin today?

It is an everyday dilemma for me. I constantly think about him and esp. with the last morning’s conversation. I mean, I don’t know, I just don’t know how should I express myself here, how should I put my thoughts here. Umm, did he approached me, because he was genuinely worried? Or scared that he will be blamed on despite being told not to worry? There are so many questions unanswered and situations not explained, will I ever get answers and explained. I really really want to know those answers.

If he was being sincere yesterday, I really want to fix things and work things out. Maybe I might need to give more effort to it and I am ready to give as well. Suddenly, I remembered him saying, “Why are you putting an effort?, did I ask you to?”. His words hit me deep down and when I remember all these stuff then I am worried if I should initiate.

My heart and mind reach to its limit every day but I never get any conclusion. Sigh! It time to refill now.

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I am already a mess and trying to get help from alcohol, at least to get some sleep but it’s not helping either. After not so good sleep this morning, as soon I opened my eyes, I wanted to Viber him and ask all those questions I mentioned and thought of giving it a last try. I am a fool, right? But guess what, with my everyday dilemma, I made myself a fool and messaged him. Usually, he is slow at replying to me (not all the time though) but he was really quick today. haha, oh my goodness! Seriously, this is not me. I wasn’t like this at all. Now I am really scared to find myself like this.

I have a test tomorrow and I so wanna call him and practice. And I also know that I shouldn’t be doing that. I was so angry with him that I almost gave up this exam. I wanted to show him that I can go to any extreme when things are concerned with him. I was hurt and I guess those thoughts were my ego. If only, he hadn’t messaged me a couple of times asking me to give the exam, I would probably have missed it.

I am on my own shit and my legendary mom adds more. I don’t know how does she get all the networks from, on the verge of finding a guy for me. She comes up with a tiny biodata and tells me this is the right guy for me. A PR holder, what else do you want? I was like, SERIOUSLY? Sigh, no one understands me. I am trying to explain this guy that I can stay anywhere if only he can be with me and on the contrary, my mom thinks I am after PR, really?

My life is a joke and I cannot laugh it off. I think I should just cover up myself with the blanket and be inside the darkness because I cannot go anywhere out of this house. Or just bang my head until I forget everything.


Update:

– He messaged Hi and deleted. Guess was a wrong window. 😦
– I couldn’t manage to control. Replied and deleted.
– Am super duper happy that he is with another friend and dining out. I was worried. See things are getting better for him.
– He asked me about Sunday plan again. I am too unsure about what’s in his mind? I cannot answer him without knowing his mind.
– Keeps saying sorry and I feel bad and guilty as well.
– Saw him online few min ago and it’s late here. Another slip of fingers.
– I guess i really need to work hard on controlling my feeling.

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