Well, I am in both good and bad shape.
I think I have gone crazy haha. I gave in and messaged him. We had a little push and pull session. he was scolding me for drinking. He was trying to explain things on what should I do, about life and other stuff. He says, he has a reason for why can’t we be together but not willing to share and I don’t like that. No matter how reserved he is, I think he should share that reason for me to get to a decision point. He thinks if he shares the reason it will ruin his life and of course am scared. However, being scared will not help as we both know we do enjoy each other’s company. So he needs to let go of his fear and share. He should really figure this out and need to understand where I am coming from. He really needs to understand me that I just do not love him for the strongest moments. He needs to understand why is it so important for me to know as I am still going to love him at his worst, with all the imperfections and basically with everything.
Well after that, we have been talking every single day with a fear of when I will be losing this guy any moment. But honestly, talking to him did calm me down a lot. My mind was a bit relaxed at least on a daytime. Well in the evenings, it was no different, it was always a noisy mind. I had to lie him that I have been getting good sleep but honestly, I wasn’t and I really do not want him to worry about. I was in need of my drink to make me numb and sleep. I do not blame for this as I started this habit. Recently, I am down with weather and medicines put me into a good sleep. So from 16th Nov to till date I am constantly struggling with myself, thoughts, questions, busiest mind and the sleepless nights.
On 11th Nov, we were talking normally and he asked me out. I was hesitating despite I so wanted to see him. So I ended up saying yes. I was a bit quick to reach my place and was waiting for me outside. When I saw him, he was super excited to show his new bhutbhute (bike) haha, and I was little disoriented with mixed feelings inside me. I was happy, sad, excited, and basically, I was feeling all giddy. Gosh, how much I missed him. He was little nervous and excited to give me ride. He was being cautious while riding and very chatty about his bike. He was boasting this and that but I was little worried if he was tried. He wasn’t riding it comfortably so I just kept quiet till he asks something. He actually had a limited time for me as he had a reunion on that day. He finished his work then went to buy chocolates and finally, the food. I was super hungry and haven’t had anything other than the tea, but I lied to him. I needed a place to sit and eat so we went to Dhokai Maa. He has to rush me to eat as he was getting late and as for me, I wanted to hold the time little longer. As he was leaving, he looked uber sweet and I fall for him one more time. He was feeling bad that he had to leave me in a rush, but that expression, that face, those eyes were after a while. The last was in Thailand and Redmud Cafe (when he was feeling awww :P). Yes, it’s a rare sight and moments. Gosh, I felt like calling him again and giving a tight hug but couldn’t muster up my courage. I missed him that badly.
After that, we are talking and not. We are there and not. Hence, I am lost, lost in the thoughts. I wonder how will I solve this and get sorted. I was thinking and still thinking. I am nowhere near to any conclusion.
I wish and can only wish ……