NO rights!

I am pretty sad and angry.

And now to think of it, I find myself very very pathetic. Look what am I doing? I have no one to share and ranting here or go to chatroom and fake laugh. Gosh!!

I am just wondering, is it so wrong trying to keep memories. I know he will ask me to leave him anytime but why like this? Why is he always so hesitant about our pictures.

But I guess, the lil girl from my last post made me clear now. I am actually feeling so so pathetic now, lost with words. I kind of feel lost with my own direction.

I am not being able to sleep at all. What should I do?

maan sarai dukhcha tara tyo vanda ni badhi I feel lost after hearing her. I also envy her, how boldly she can confess in front of everyone and him by her side no matter what. malai ta photo share garna ni garo. What am I even dreaming?

I feel lost in every way!

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A virtual date

I know my fear post is still in pending and will be updating soon.

Now this post is about today, technically yesterday as it’s 2:27 am now lol. The day went pretty smooth with the great company. Yes, a day with him but not physically. We spent out day online on a call. I am pretty sure he was bored but kind enough for not telling me. As for me, having him with me was the most precious thing because I am not sure when will I be told to leave him again and I want to have more, more, more memories of him.

I was enjoying his company all day long, I was having this bad feeling and fear of something will go wrong. Will it be the last day? All sort of questions did come to my mind. I was more scared when he started singing every single requests and of his choices too. I mean this has never happened before. He had sang on requests but not like every single requests. It actually gave me chills to the bone and super worried on what will happen next.

Well, my fear came true. He was about to call it off for the evening with little chitchats, his ex (I don’t know if I should call her ex, as he kept telling he wasn’t in relationship be she forced and then it got carried away like that) logged in. Suddenly he changed, kept sighing and started to act normal with me. I played along but honestly I was worried. I was wondering, does she affect her till now? He said he liked her as a little girl with a bad timing and he was merely helping her but every time she is around he gets bothered, yesterday too. So is he denying his feeling? Is that the reason I am not getting a slim chance? Is he ok? What is he thinking and feeling RIGHT NOW? Will he be able to sleep properly? Will he be ok genuinely? I know I kind of crushed his tempt to hear her last night and he was holding it back despite he was checking at times. I so wanted to tell her side story to him (I know her a little) that how she is trying to move on and his presence gives her false hopes and gets stuck. At a same time, I want him to do what he wants so that his feelings will pass by.

I might have a little post on her as it is related with him.

Anyway, this proved how greed can ruin the perfect moment. I was being greedy and kept requesting songs until I saw her online and it ruined my perfect moment with him getting sad. I know he will deny about his feelings as he always keeps it within. I will never know his true feeling but somehow I am pretty sure about it and I just can’t be a help to him. I really want him re accept things and not be sad but I can’t help. And this feeling kills me inside.

This proves nothing is perfect and never be greedy. Now after having him together for almost all day long, hearing him sing songs, and having a fluttering heart once again, it felt empty.

PS. I slept without posting it :/

Fear

Hmm… Fears are like demons and as my noisy mind rolls, I realised I often think about my fears. I started to think and listed out some of my fear. Like,

  • swimming
  • heights
  • rollercoaster rides
  • maths
  • nepali
  • eye to eye talk
  • love
  • life
  • death
  • hurting people
  • marriage
  • regrets
  • losing people
  • trying new food
  • start ups
  • joining gym
  • and many more.

I did overcome few fears. Some of them are still there. So I would like to start a series of post of my recent thoughts on various fears. I know I do not get responses here but I am hoping that by ranting here will help me to come up with answers, maybe?

Lets see!

Fear #1, coming soon!

Piled up!

Well, I am in both good and bad shape.

I think I have gone crazy haha. I gave in and messaged him. We had a little push and pull session. he was scolding me for drinking. He was trying to explain things on what should I do, about life and other stuff. He says, he has a reason for why can’t we be together but not willing to share and I don’t like that. No matter how reserved he is, I think he should share that reason for me to get to a decision point. He thinks if he shares the reason it will ruin his life and of course am scared. However, being scared will not help as we both know we do enjoy each other’s company. So he needs to let go of his fear and share. He should really figure this out and need to understand where I am coming from. He really needs to understand me that I just do not love him for the strongest moments. He needs to understand why is it so important for me to know as I am still going to love him at his worst, with all the imperfections and basically with everything.

Well after that, we have been talking every single day with a fear of when I will be losing this guy any moment. But honestly, talking to him did calm me down a lot. My mind was a bit relaxed at least on a daytime. Well in the evenings, it was no different, it was always a noisy mind. I had to lie him that I have been getting good sleep but honestly, I wasn’t and I really do not want him to worry about. I was in need of my drink to make me numb and sleep. I do not blame for this as I started this habit. Recently, I am down with weather and medicines put me into a good sleep. So from 16th Nov to till date I am constantly struggling with myself, thoughts, questions, busiest mind and the sleepless nights.

On 11th Nov, we were talking normally and he asked me out. I was hesitating despite I so wanted to see him. So I ended up saying yes. I was a bit quick to reach my place and was waiting for me outside. When I saw him, he was super excited to show his new bhutbhute (bike) haha, and I was little disoriented with mixed feelings inside me. I was happy, sad, excited, and basically, I was feeling all giddy. Gosh, how much I missed him. He was little nervous and excited to give me ride. He was being cautious while riding and very chatty about his bike. He was boasting this and that but I was little worried if he was tried. He wasn’t riding it comfortably so I just kept quiet till he asks something. He actually had a limited time for me as he had a reunion on that day. He finished his work then went to buy chocolates and finally, the food. I was super hungry and haven’t had anything other than the tea, but I lied to him. I needed a place to sit and eat so we went to Dhokai Maa. He has to rush me to eat as he was getting late and as for me, I wanted to hold the time little longer. As he was leaving, he looked uber sweet and I fall for him one more time. He was feeling bad that he had to leave me in a rush, but that expression, that face, those eyes were after a while. The last was in Thailand and Redmud Cafe (when he was feeling awww :P). Yes, it’s a rare sight and moments. Gosh, I felt like calling him again and giving a tight hug but couldn’t muster up my courage. I missed him that badly.

After that, we are talking and not. We are there and not. Hence, I am lost, lost in the thoughts. I wonder how will I solve this and get sorted. I was thinking and still thinking. I am nowhere near to any conclusion.

I wish and can only wish ……

Bro Talk

Today it’s about him and a dear friend of mine. And oh yes, I am due with updates; it’s like they’re all piled up with my mind only as I have been thinking and analyzing lots and lots. Anyway, let me continue with this post.

Him is him (Mr. Him).

And this close friend is someone who introduced me to him. A friend who is very sweet and helpful always. But this time he has his story as well and it’s complicated.

He shared his story with me as always but this time around I wasn’t much help to him as my mind is not working as well. I feel for him and know well what he is going through and yet I am helpless. So, I thought how about this friend and him have a talk. Like girls go easy on girls, I thought guys would go the same way, maybe the bro way. Also, I have another reason for doing this, i.e. I want these two to get along well and do not need any third wheel. I want them to catch-up more often without me, I want them to be close enough to share their stories and beers and I want them to be the support to each other at bad times. A friend in a brother.

So finally this friend of mine spoke up about his complicated situation with him. I was really glad that it went well. I was surprised to know that Mr. him shared his experience along with his opinions, obviously, he didn’t share the deep down story but was contextual. And that coming from him is something as he is a very reserved person.

On the other hand, I was disturbed by the suggestions he gave to this friend. They were not bad for my friend but I got to know how does he take this matter as. My mind started to wander around again. It made me think about many questions that I piled up inside. I am wondering if he is more fickle minded or me? I seriously don’t know how to deal with this and my stupid heart.

Oh yes, and this bro talk thing is something I am always curious about. I mean I am always curious about how and what do guys talk when girls are not around haha. And as I knew about this friend gonna open up himself with Mr him, I was even more curious. I would get to know about my curiosity among the circle. haha!

So, I actually waited for Mr. him to share with me and blah blah blah. But I guess I was too impatient. I asked him about the evening but he was like acting all unknown and questioned me back as if he wanted to dig more or wants to know what I know on this matter. He was acting all the way for me to say first but I didn’t want to. I was more curious about bro talks than the problem of this friend. He ended up with being quiet and I was little sad which made me question myself.

Like always, I end up myself thinking about him and us. So I started questioning, “Does he mean anything about us till now?; Was he ever serious about us?; The suggestions he gave to my friend made me think, maybe, he was never serious or meant it because he is not ready to fight for it. He is in fact not willing (i guess); So what are we?; Friends! Sure?; What are we doing now?; Why are we intentionally hurting each other?; Why are we playing this push and pull game?; Why does he push me away when I go closer to him and pull me closer when I try to go away from him?; and many more.”

Sigh!

After all this good feeling about with these two bros, I ended up with a noisy mind. Little bitterly disturbed.

A Visitor

Meeting someone in life is something thats actually amazing
Thats because he brings himself with his past, present, and his future
Thats because someone’s whole life comes along
The heart is fragile
Therefore, it might have been broken,
That heart is coming too
I am curious to know,
what kind of paths your heart went through.
The reason my heart hurts so much,
when I learned of the path his heart went through..
isn’t jealousy nor frustration
I dreamed of loving someone
The fact that you ended your love was bit sad…
Even though, you know it well,
and even though you have gone through before,
I believe whatever happens here after is no one’s fault
It will happen just to be that way
Like some waves keep on flowing while the others break
It just happens that way
So don’t worry too much
It’s not like you know all about today,
just because you lived yesterday
The fragile heart of yours might have been broken before,
but that heart still have chance to come to me
The truth may be painful and dark,
but the story will only begin then.

Slip of fingers

Well, well, how do I begin today?

It is an everyday dilemma for me. I constantly think about him and esp. with the last morning’s conversation. I mean, I don’t know, I just don’t know how should I express myself here, how should I put my thoughts here. Umm, did he approached me, because he was genuinely worried? Or scared that he will be blamed on despite being told not to worry? There are so many questions unanswered and situations not explained, will I ever get answers and explained. I really really want to know those answers.

If he was being sincere yesterday, I really want to fix things and work things out. Maybe I might need to give more effort to it and I am ready to give as well. Suddenly, I remembered him saying, “Why are you putting an effort?, did I ask you to?”. His words hit me deep down and when I remember all these stuff then I am worried if I should initiate.

My heart and mind reach to its limit every day but I never get any conclusion. Sigh! It time to refill now.

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I am already a mess and trying to get help from alcohol, at least to get some sleep but it’s not helping either. After not so good sleep this morning, as soon I opened my eyes, I wanted to Viber him and ask all those questions I mentioned and thought of giving it a last try. I am a fool, right? But guess what, with my everyday dilemma, I made myself a fool and messaged him. Usually, he is slow at replying to me (not all the time though) but he was really quick today. haha, oh my goodness! Seriously, this is not me. I wasn’t like this at all. Now I am really scared to find myself like this.

I have a test tomorrow and I so wanna call him and practice. And I also know that I shouldn’t be doing that. I was so angry with him that I almost gave up this exam. I wanted to show him that I can go to any extreme when things are concerned with him. I was hurt and I guess those thoughts were my ego. If only, he hadn’t messaged me a couple of times asking me to give the exam, I would probably have missed it.

I am on my own shit and my legendary mom adds more. I don’t know how does she get all the networks from, on the verge of finding a guy for me. She comes up with a tiny biodata and tells me this is the right guy for me. A PR holder, what else do you want? I was like, SERIOUSLY? Sigh, no one understands me. I am trying to explain this guy that I can stay anywhere if only he can be with me and on the contrary, my mom thinks I am after PR, really?

My life is a joke and I cannot laugh it off. I think I should just cover up myself with the blanket and be inside the darkness because I cannot go anywhere out of this house. Or just bang my head until I forget everything.


Update:

– He messaged Hi and deleted. Guess was a wrong window. 😦
– I couldn’t manage to control. Replied and deleted.
– Am super duper happy that he is with another friend and dining out. I was worried. See things are getting better for him.
– He asked me about Sunday plan again. I am too unsure about what’s in his mind? I cannot answer him without knowing his mind.
– Keeps saying sorry and I feel bad and guilty as well.
– Saw him online few min ago and it’s late here. Another slip of fingers.
– I guess i really need to work hard on controlling my feeling.