Should I be back here?

I have no one to talk, literally!

Should i start talking here? I need to pour myself out and I have no one. even if I find one I cannot. What should i do?

I am very scared now. I am very scared of myself now.

Advertisements

I measure every Grief I meet

I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, eyes –
I wonder if It weighs like Mine –
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long –
Or did it just begin –
I could not tell the Date of Mine –
It feels so old a pain – 

I wonder if it hurts to live –
And if They have to try –
And whether – could They choose between –
It would not be – to die – 

I note that Some – gone patient long –
At length, renew their smile –
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil – 

I wonder if when Years have piled –
Some Thousands – on the Harm –
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm – 

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve –
Enlightened to a larger Pain –
In Contrast with the Love – 

The Grieved – are many – I am told –
There is the various Cause –
Death – is but one – and comes but once –
And only nails the eyes – 

There’s Grief of Want – and grief of Cold –
A sort they call “Despair” –
There’s Banishment from native Eyes –
In sight of Native Air – 

And though I may not guess the kind –
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary – 

To note the fashions – of the Cross –
And how they’re mostly worn –
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like my own –

⁃Emily Dickinson

 

I got Inked!

Finally, I got it, yay!!!

It’s been like a long long story and I finally got inked. While I was getting them my thoughts rushed over many things. I was thinking what kind of person I am. I am a person who is very scared of the needles but then I got 3 tiny tattoos technically.

I have always been rebelling with myself and fighting over my fears. I am scared of heights but I have done parasailing and paragliding. I do love water but I am scared of depth so I had always been swimming safely with short distance and the depth of about my own height or little more. However, managed to do scuba diving and I simply enjoyed. I did other water activities like jet ski and banana boating as well. I do push myself towards sea waves and jump, just to overcome my fear. I am scared of going places alone but now I have few countries to name 🙂

Another thought that came up into my mind was why am I enjoying this pain. It was painful but satisfying. No wonder people gets addicted to get more tattoos. Then I asked myself what is more painful, pain of inking on you or  the pain of thought of leaving your loved one or pain of giving up on your life or pain of finding happiness? Anyone can guess which one was the hardest? Well, it was the pain of thought of leaving the loved one was the hardest so I cannot imagine how painful it would be if any one of us have to leave each other. I think it is because you find happiness and success with your loved ones, you can share your worries, share both the good and bad times and hence leaving a loved one, even just a thought is extremely painful than anything else. And this is one of the reason behind the designs of my tattoos.

Rewind:
I want to go back to those time where I have made mistakes, hurt people intentionally/unintentionally and wrong decisions that i had made in life. I want to re-fix all those things to reshape and relive. I want to try my best to remix everything so that I won’t have any regrets in life.

Pause:
I have always been a reserved kind of person and when I try to express myself I go wrong, not because I do not appreciate but I do not know how to express myself. I am not just living my life full of regrets, I do have happy times and memorable ones as well. So I want to hold on to those moments little more, appreciate them and express my happiness and thankfulness freely. I want to go back to those moments little more to be happy .. I want to cherish and take those moments further along to be happier than being clingy. I want to appreciate life for those moments and wish to hold them little more to inspire and motivate me.

Semicolon:
This semicolon is actually a project initiated by Amy Bleuel to encourage, love, inspire those people with depression and mental illness.

As for me, this will remind me to keep going no matter hard. A reminder to me to tell myself,  I will be a happy one as well doing things I love to do, being with people I love the most and this phase shall pass by.

Actually, I have been going through a lot and the negativity is cornering me. I am not enjoying my life at all and eventually not happy. I had reached to the verge of giving up, actually everything many times but somehow and for some reason, I am holding back.

Past few months, I have been asking myself a lot of questions like what is life, what am I doing to my life, am I happy, why am I such a mess, what went wrong, why am I so distracted, why don’t I see any hope, what’s my inspiration and motivation of my life and many more? And I won’t find the answer if I end here. So this semicolon tattoo for me means to keep going and not to give up.

To sum up, these 3 elements are like a reminder to me to re-fix, reshape and relive without giving up.

Runway

You wanna run away,
but I am just trying to help you get answer.
More you wanna detach from all,
More I wanna help you there.
You wonder where you stand,
and I wanna stand together no matter where you stand.

Let’s not run away
because, dreams are shattering.
Hopes are shaking,
Visions are blurry and
You are no where near
and I wanna be there together no matter how far or near.

So let us not run away,
even when heaven mess.
Let us walk together,
all the way long and far,
because that is where we are belong,
and I wanna be there together no matter how runway is far and long.

 

1st step

I have been meaning to write so many things here but I am myself so messed up. So they are all in my mind.

1 step: Ask question to myself and confession.

I did ask myself, what do I want to do in the future? So my answer was I just want to loved and live happily. But that’s not possible as the person I love is not sure about us and hence says we have no future together. Can anyone be happy without love? Therefore, the next thing I want in life is peace. I want to live in peace without any dramas and lies.

So I thought of how about confessing to my mom about what I want from my life, that way she won’t be hopeful of me. I want to tell her that I love someone and if it’s not him then there is no marriage for me. I cannot love anyone else just like that and above all, I will not be able to open myself and trust anyone else. Definitely not at this age. I cannot. That’s like killing myself alive. So I really want to be honest with my mom now and put her at peace at least.

I will be doing a right thing, ain’t it?

PS. should I talk to him first?