Piled up!

Well, I am in both good and bad shape.

I think I have gone crazy haha. I gave in and messaged him. We had a little push and pull session. he was scolding me for drinking. He was trying to explain things on what should I do, about life and other stuff. He says, he has a reason for why can’t we be together but not willing to share and I don’t like that. No matter how reserved he is, I think he should share that reason for me to get to a decision point. He thinks if he shares the reason it will ruin his life and of course am scared. However, being scared will not help as we both know we do enjoy each other’s company. So he needs to let go of his fear and share. He should really figure this out and need to understand where I am coming from. He really needs to understand me that I just do not love him for the strongest moments. He needs to understand why is it so important for me to know as I am still going to love him at his worst, with all the imperfections and basically with everything.

Well after that, we have been talking every single day with a fear of when I will be losing this guy any moment. But honestly, talking to him did calm me down a lot. My mind was a bit relaxed at least on a daytime. Well in the evenings, it was no different, it was always a noisy mind. I had to lie him that I have been getting good sleep but honestly, I wasn’t and I really do not want him to worry about. I was in need of my drink to make me numb and sleep. I do not blame for this as I started this habit. Recently, I am down with weather and medicines put me into a good sleep. So from 16th Nov to till date I am constantly struggling with myself, thoughts, questions, busiest mind and the sleepless nights.

On 11th Nov, we were talking normally and he asked me out. I was hesitating despite I so wanted to see him. So I ended up saying yes. I was a bit quick to reach my place and was waiting for me outside. When I saw him, he was super excited to show his new bhutbhute (bike) haha, and I was little disoriented with mixed feelings inside me. I was happy, sad, excited, and basically, I was feeling all giddy. Gosh, how much I missed him. He was little nervous and excited to give me ride. He was being cautious while riding and very chatty about his bike. He was boasting this and that but I was little worried if he was tried. He wasn’t riding it comfortably so I just kept quiet till he asks something. He actually had a limited time for me as he had a reunion on that day. He finished his work then went to buy chocolates and finally, the food. I was super hungry and haven’t had anything other than the tea, but I lied to him. I needed a place to sit and eat so we went to Dhokai Maa. He has to rush me to eat as he was getting late and as for me, I wanted to hold the time little longer. As he was leaving, he looked uber sweet and I fall for him one more time. He was feeling bad that he had to leave me in a rush, but that expression, that face, those eyes were after a while. The last was in Thailand and Redmud Cafe (when he was feeling awww :P). Yes, it’s a rare sight and moments. Gosh, I felt like calling him again and giving a tight hug but couldn’t muster up my courage. I missed him that badly.

After that, we are talking and not. We are there and not. Hence, I am lost, lost in the thoughts. I wonder how will I solve this and get sorted. I was thinking and still thinking. I am nowhere near to any conclusion.

I wish and can only wish ……

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Sleepless Nights

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So after 3 straight sleepless nights, now both the mind and body are not functioning properly. I want to get cocooned somewhere and hide there forever. I don’t feel weak but a bit of a headache, maybe it is because of the combo reaction from drinking and no sleep. I have been barely sleeping and heaps of overthinking.

I can’t believe that I lost all those folders and conversation archive. I can’t believe in myself that I am doing this and for real. I can’t believe am actually doing it and against the will. I have never been like this before. I cannot stop thinking about the past and the moment he said, “Leave me and go” and “Yes, I mean it”. It pinched me badly. Gosh, I am so clueless now.

I was so disturbed that I really don’t want to move out from the bed. So I bunked office and told my mom not to disturb me as I have a bad headache. All day long, I stayed on the bed and wondering what went wrong and when? He used to tell me good things about we being together and when and what went wrong that he wants me to leave him. As soon I think of him I wanted to check that folder where I kept all the good memories of us but another disappointment, it’s no more there. I kept on wondering thinking about him only and that’s when I think I have gone crazy.

I guess heaps of people were annoyed and few were concerned after me going ga-ga on FB. So I decided to post things normally like before and not to flood. Also, I need to protect his identity because those who are very close to me and knows both of us have huge doubt about us, thinking we are in a relationship. How I wish, Sigh!! although I might sound like we were in a relationship and hence I am acting all this crazy then I have to clear this thing here. We were never in a relationship, he never wanted one. It’s me who have gone crazy about him and thus, I call this an unrequited love.

I want to take leave from work and go nowhere and stay in my room undisturbed. At times, I feel like, without me give up on my life, how nice it would be if there would be no tomorrow for me. I even thought the moment I stepped out of the house I get into the accident and dead. I mean, what’s there for me to have faith on. I have a super crazy and loud family, I don’t expect anything from them. Neither I have a glorifying job which can be my alternate happiness nor I have faith in God to hold the rope of the hope. I relied on him so much that I find my life is doomed now. I can’t even sleep without him. Don’t get me wrong here, we sleep keeping our calls on and I am just happy, even with his snores. As soon he starts to snores, I fall asleep soundly within 10 mins or so.

I have to live until I find a way to escape and before that, I have to sleep and eat on time. So I started drinking since this evening so that I can sack up my bed on time and wake up normally. I guess this is the only solution I can think of as of now.

Please tell me I did a good thing. Freeing him was a good decision at least for one. At least, one of us should be getting what we want and I don’t mind giving up on him for him. Please tell me that was the best thing I can do though I will regret the lifetime. If he is happy then I will find a way to be happy. Now, I am scared of myself as I am discovering this side of me. I don’t know how and when will I learn to balance this up.

When the mind gets noisy!

When the mind gets noisy, you are one different person from who you are and it goes same on me. I am a different person. I think differently from the other times and the most of the time, I think useless.

I do give all my efforts to stop and control my brain but something is not just right, my mind just doesn’t listen to me. I try to laugh it off to make things light weighted, let go of the thought that had happened or would happen, but the curiosity inside me do not give up and that is when I “Fail”.

I don’t know if my mind is cluttered or the life? I have no answers to my own questions and I don’t know many things happening with my life. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want despite, I say things I want for my life. The whole universe is a mess, in fact, the universe I call it mine is a mess right now. Thus, I cannot stop myself thinking about my universe and let it be alone even for a second.

I want to fix, re-fix and move on with a gut but as I take a step ahead, I fall back with hundreds. This is where I am talking on, I am a different person when I start thinking. I overthink and usually overthinking leads to negativity. I know, I know it all but I, myself is a negative person for myself, let me stress here “for myself”. On the contrary, I am a very positive person about things and people around me and especially to the people I care. This conflicting character of me itself is a problem and I can’t seem to solve it regardless I know how to resolve.

My mind is constantly humming with ideas and dreams, worries and fears, that all my energy gets drained out on those millions of thoughts. As I try to restore and reconnect myself from this mental burnout, I tend to lose myself. I often even ask myself, who am I and what have I become? I want to seek for help but this noisy mind will remain as words and only words. Words, that will never to be told. I want to scream out loud of my lungs but I always end up with bottling in my heart. The loneliness is killing me inside but trust me, I am trying to fight back every single day. I seek for mediums to get this solved. I try to find somebody and muster up some courage to lean on, but I have no one around with whom I can lean on and share. Friends and family are there but they will never understand me. And I don’t expect them to understand me as I don’t understand myself.

Sigh! I am in a deep shit.

All these countless thoughts and words will just remain as they are; never been told and never to be told. They will just be buried into my noisy mind.