Piled up!

Well, I am in both good and bad shape.

I think I have gone crazy haha. I gave in and messaged him. We had a little push and pull session. he was scolding me for drinking. He was trying to explain things on what should I do, about life and other stuff. He says, he has a reason for why can’t we be together but not willing to share and I don’t like that. No matter how reserved he is, I think he should share that reason for me to get to a decision point. He thinks if he shares the reason it will ruin his life and of course am scared. However, being scared will not help as we both know we do enjoy each other’s company. So he needs to let go of his fear and share. He should really figure this out and need to understand where I am coming from. He really needs to understand me that I just do not love him for the strongest moments. He needs to understand why is it so important for me to know as I am still going to love him at his worst, with all the imperfections and basically with everything.

Well after that, we have been talking every single day with a fear of when I will be losing this guy any moment. But honestly, talking to him did calm me down a lot. My mind was a bit relaxed at least on a daytime. Well in the evenings, it was no different, it was always a noisy mind. I had to lie him that I have been getting good sleep but honestly, I wasn’t and I really do not want him to worry about. I was in need of my drink to make me numb and sleep. I do not blame for this as I started this habit. Recently, I am down with weather and medicines put me into a good sleep. So from 16th Nov to till date I am constantly struggling with myself, thoughts, questions, busiest mind and the sleepless nights.

On 11th Nov, we were talking normally and he asked me out. I was hesitating despite I so wanted to see him. So I ended up saying yes. I was a bit quick to reach my place and was waiting for me outside. When I saw him, he was super excited to show his new bhutbhute (bike) haha, and I was little disoriented with mixed feelings inside me. I was happy, sad, excited, and basically, I was feeling all giddy. Gosh, how much I missed him. He was little nervous and excited to give me ride. He was being cautious while riding and very chatty about his bike. He was boasting this and that but I was little worried if he was tried. He wasn’t riding it comfortably so I just kept quiet till he asks something. He actually had a limited time for me as he had a reunion on that day. He finished his work then went to buy chocolates and finally, the food. I was super hungry and haven’t had anything other than the tea, but I lied to him. I needed a place to sit and eat so we went to Dhokai Maa. He has to rush me to eat as he was getting late and as for me, I wanted to hold the time little longer. As he was leaving, he looked uber sweet and I fall for him one more time. He was feeling bad that he had to leave me in a rush, but that expression, that face, those eyes were after a while. The last was in Thailand and Redmud Cafe (when he was feeling awww :P). Yes, it’s a rare sight and moments. Gosh, I felt like calling him again and giving a tight hug but couldn’t muster up my courage. I missed him that badly.

After that, we are talking and not. We are there and not. Hence, I am lost, lost in the thoughts. I wonder how will I solve this and get sorted. I was thinking and still thinking. I am nowhere near to any conclusion.

I wish and can only wish ……

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Bro Talk

Today it’s about him and a dear friend of mine. And oh yes, I am due with updates; it’s like they’re all piled up with my mind only as I have been thinking and analyzing lots and lots. Anyway, let me continue with this post.

Him is him (Mr. Him).

And this close friend is someone who introduced me to him. A friend who is very sweet and helpful always. But this time he has his story as well and it’s complicated.

He shared his story with me as always but this time around I wasn’t much help to him as my mind is not working as well. I feel for him and know well what he is going through and yet I am helpless. So, I thought how about this friend and him have a talk. Like girls go easy on girls, I thought guys would go the same way, maybe the bro way. Also, I have another reason for doing this, i.e. I want these two to get along well and do not need any third wheel. I want them to catch-up more often without me, I want them to be close enough to share their stories and beers and I want them to be the support to each other at bad times. A friend in a brother.

So finally this friend of mine spoke up about his complicated situation with him. I was really glad that it went well. I was surprised to know that Mr. him shared his experience along with his opinions, obviously, he didn’t share the deep down story but was contextual. And that coming from him is something as he is a very reserved person.

On the other hand, I was disturbed by the suggestions he gave to this friend. They were not bad for my friend but I got to know how does he take this matter as. My mind started to wander around again. It made me think about many questions that I piled up inside. I am wondering if he is more fickle minded or me? I seriously don’t know how to deal with this and my stupid heart.

Oh yes, and this bro talk thing is something I am always curious about. I mean I am always curious about how and what do guys talk when girls are not around haha. And as I knew about this friend gonna open up himself with Mr him, I was even more curious. I would get to know about my curiosity among the circle. haha!

So, I actually waited for Mr. him to share with me and blah blah blah. But I guess I was too impatient. I asked him about the evening but he was like acting all unknown and questioned me back as if he wanted to dig more or wants to know what I know on this matter. He was acting all the way for me to say first but I didn’t want to. I was more curious about bro talks than the problem of this friend. He ended up with being quiet and I was little sad which made me question myself.

Like always, I end up myself thinking about him and us. So I started questioning, “Does he mean anything about us till now?; Was he ever serious about us?; The suggestions he gave to my friend made me think, maybe, he was never serious or meant it because he is not ready to fight for it. He is in fact not willing (i guess); So what are we?; Friends! Sure?; What are we doing now?; Why are we intentionally hurting each other?; Why are we playing this push and pull game?; Why does he push me away when I go closer to him and pull me closer when I try to go away from him?; and many more.”

Sigh!

After all this good feeling about with these two bros, I ended up with a noisy mind. Little bitterly disturbed.

[Song Pick for you] Christina Perri – Arms

Vid Cr. Christina Perri

Lyrics:

I never thought that You would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around
And you knocked me off the ground from the start
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I’m home
How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around
I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
The world is coming down on me
And I can’t find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you
But I can’t make you bleed if I’m alone
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I’ve never opened up
I’ve never truly loved ’till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home
You put your arms around me and I’m home

A Visitor

Meeting someone in life is something thats actually amazing
Thats because he brings himself with his past, present, and his future
Thats because someone’s whole life comes along
The heart is fragile
Therefore, it might have been broken,
That heart is coming too
I am curious to know,
what kind of paths your heart went through.
The reason my heart hurts so much,
when I learned of the path his heart went through..
isn’t jealousy nor frustration
I dreamed of loving someone
The fact that you ended your love was bit sad…
Even though, you know it well,
and even though you have gone through before,
I believe whatever happens here after is no one’s fault
It will happen just to be that way
Like some waves keep on flowing while the others break
It just happens that way
So don’t worry too much
It’s not like you know all about today,
just because you lived yesterday
The fragile heart of yours might have been broken before,
but that heart still have chance to come to me
The truth may be painful and dark,
but the story will only begin then.

Is it Telepathy?

I have too many questions floating through my mind today.

Began with, should I just message him and ask him how is he doing? Why was he up until late last night? Then thought, if I message him, I will just make myself a fool, but then it was getting really hard on me so I was ready to be called as a fool. As I was feeling tough, I was kinda getting curious at the same time about so many things.

So I typed a message as below and was hesitating to press the send button.

Samhalda samhaldai marna aati sakein. Sochda sochdai sochna na sakne vayein. Jati Timi Lai dukha Dina maan chaina Teti nai malai thaha pauna maan cha ki why did you say that? What made you think like that? Timi hijo chatroom aayera gai halyou. Aba timilai Mero presence pani ghrinaa laagh cha ho? Unknowingly vaye ni I felt like I stopped you from what you like to do. How can I help you so that I won’t be a fuss or a problem or an annoying character to you? Will I ever know the answer? Above all are you ok? Seems you had trouble sleeping last night. Ma ta pagal huna lagein. Why do I always hurt you and I don’t even realize? Why am I not being able to tell my heart, stop it?

I notice him typing and right after that,’Hi. Timi suteyna?’. I was frozen and feeling rushed to reply but I hesitated. I didn’t know what should I do. A moment ago I was typing a message and after his message, I suddenly went blank. Gosh, my heart still flutters to see his message and decided to reply but in a cold way. I really don’t want him to know that I was having a tough time and I miss him like anything.

Something surprised me and made me wonder all day long. That message, I mean when he approached, was that a telepathy? He was well aware of me not sleeping and drinking a lot (but I lied to him, don’t want him to worry). Is it merely a guess or he knows me that well? But what can I do as well, somehow drinking is bit relieving for me. At least, it puts me to sleep even if it’s for an hour.

On a second thought, I was like, did he browse my blog? No, no, no, I cannot even imagine that. If he does that, then I should be protecting post or stop venting out here. But if I have to stop here then I will be bottling up everything inside as I literally do not have anyone around to whom I can trust or share.

But hang on, he is a kind of person who hardly remembers his own accounts and details, I bet he cannot remember mine. As far I remember, I disapproved his request to follow my blog because this is the only place where I can be whoever I want to be and share things out. I know I do not have any serious follower and I do not even care. Basically, I am talking to myself here. I just need a platform to vent out and if any unknown people can share his/ her thoughts then they are always welcome but I do not feel comfy around with my own ppl thus I don’t want them here. If I feel like sharing, I share the particular post but do not allow them to go through the whole blog. And he is so lazy to scroll back all those thousands of messages to find the link to this blog.

I wonder how does he know all?

Now, another thing I kept on thinking was, why does he even want to start a conversation? I have told him a couple of times that he is not responsible for anything of I do. So why is he worried about me? He can stop. In fact, he should be happy I am out of his life now. Finally, his headache is gone but if he messages me like this then I might change my mind. And if I do so then it is going to be difficult for him. To be honest, I am already being greedy now and desperate to talk to him. But I will have to refrain myself, not for myself but for him.

He kept saying sorry but I kind of felt like he just wants to lift up my mood so that I will stop drinking and do things normally. So I kept wondering why is he even sorry and for what? Isn’t he the one always wanted to run away? Isn’t he the one wanted me to leave him? Then sorry for what? And why is he so vague always? He asked me to forgive him for asking to leave him. So does that mean the fact that he wants me to leave him is intact and yet want forgiveness for asking one? And he said, he wants to continue the Sunday plan with me. Now does this mean he doesn’t want me to leave him and asking for forgiveness for wanting me to leave him due to his short temper? Is it? Am I even getting it? Sigh!

I still want to continue the Sunday plan with you.

Oh man, when he said “with you” I melted down and forget everything that had happened. Again, I hesitated and controlled myself from getting false hope. I wonder if he means it? He did say he meant it but I still wonder if he really meant it to us. Or is he just trying to straighten up things for me so that I will get back on track? Is he forcing himself to do so and say these stuff? Did I again make him to things that he doesn’t want to?

He kept saying sorry and blaming him but I don’t know why? Like I mentioned earlier on one of the posts, we are not in a relationship, he never wanted one and yet he was saying sorry and blaming himself, which was out of my understanding. Why does he feel sorry? Why is he blaming himself? In this case, I am to blame one. I never listened to him and forced myself to have some hopes. I was the one who didn’t control the heart and the mind. So why is be being sorry? For what? I just cannot think straight and am so confused.

What should I do? How do I respond to him? Of course, I want to say let’s plan but that is not a right thing to do I guess. I cannot be selfish and greedy anymore.

However, I was happy about one particular thing. He got his Thunderbird 350. I am actually happy he decided and bought it. He was super confused and had spent so much of time on research. He contemplated on Thunderbird and Avenger. He was actually sad to know that Avenger had more good reviews and rating than the Thunderbird yet he stood by his decision. I really wish he will keep up that attitude for everything that will come across his life. I am really happy. Also, I wish him to get his license back so that he can travel everywhere without any worries and safe. When he told me he wanted to come here after he got the bike, I wanted to him, ‘Yes, I want to be the first one to ride his bike and travel’. But sigh! that would be just a dream. I can never ask for that. Anyway, I am happy for him. I am truly happy for him.

I have gone crazy. I have fallen for him madly. I fall for him every time I see him, every time I hear him, every time I talk to him and every time I read him. My heart still flutters, butterflies dance inside my stomach and then reality hits me hard saying, “wake up, I cannot have such dreams, I am not just allowed to unless I want to be selfish and greedy”.

And the tears rolled down, without even letting me know.

Sigh! and this is how I end my day so far……

When the mind gets noisy!

When the mind gets noisy, you are one different person from who you are and it goes same on me. I am a different person. I think differently from the other times and the most of the time, I think useless.

I do give all my efforts to stop and control my brain but something is not just right, my mind just doesn’t listen to me. I try to laugh it off to make things light weighted, let go of the thought that had happened or would happen, but the curiosity inside me do not give up and that is when I “Fail”.

I don’t know if my mind is cluttered or the life? I have no answers to my own questions and I don’t know many things happening with my life. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want despite, I say things I want for my life. The whole universe is a mess, in fact, the universe I call it mine is a mess right now. Thus, I cannot stop myself thinking about my universe and let it be alone even for a second.

I want to fix, re-fix and move on with a gut but as I take a step ahead, I fall back with hundreds. This is where I am talking on, I am a different person when I start thinking. I overthink and usually overthinking leads to negativity. I know, I know it all but I, myself is a negative person for myself, let me stress here “for myself”. On the contrary, I am a very positive person about things and people around me and especially to the people I care. This conflicting character of me itself is a problem and I can’t seem to solve it regardless I know how to resolve.

My mind is constantly humming with ideas and dreams, worries and fears, that all my energy gets drained out on those millions of thoughts. As I try to restore and reconnect myself from this mental burnout, I tend to lose myself. I often even ask myself, who am I and what have I become? I want to seek for help but this noisy mind will remain as words and only words. Words, that will never to be told. I want to scream out loud of my lungs but I always end up with bottling in my heart. The loneliness is killing me inside but trust me, I am trying to fight back every single day. I seek for mediums to get this solved. I try to find somebody and muster up some courage to lean on, but I have no one around with whom I can lean on and share. Friends and family are there but they will never understand me. And I don’t expect them to understand me as I don’t understand myself.

Sigh! I am in a deep shit.

All these countless thoughts and words will just remain as they are; never been told and never to be told. They will just be buried into my noisy mind.