I have too many questions floating through my mind today.
Began with, should I just message him and ask him how is he doing? Why was he up until late last night? Then thought, if I message him, I will just make myself a fool, but then it was getting really hard on me so I was ready to be called as a fool. As I was feeling tough, I was kinda getting curious at the same time about so many things.
So I typed a message as below and was hesitating to press the send button.
Samhalda samhaldai marna aati sakein. Sochda sochdai sochna na sakne vayein. Jati Timi Lai dukha Dina maan chaina Teti nai malai thaha pauna maan cha ki why did you say that? What made you think like that? Timi hijo chatroom aayera gai halyou. Aba timilai Mero presence pani ghrinaa laagh cha ho? Unknowingly vaye ni I felt like I stopped you from what you like to do. How can I help you so that I won’t be a fuss or a problem or an annoying character to you? Will I ever know the answer? Above all are you ok? Seems you had trouble sleeping last night. Ma ta pagal huna lagein. Why do I always hurt you and I don’t even realize? Why am I not being able to tell my heart, stop it?
I notice him typing and right after that,’Hi. Timi suteyna?’. I was frozen and feeling rushed to reply but I hesitated. I didn’t know what should I do. A moment ago I was typing a message and after his message, I suddenly went blank. Gosh, my heart still flutters to see his message and decided to reply but in a cold way. I really don’t want him to know that I was having a tough time and I miss him like anything.
Something surprised me and made me wonder all day long. That message, I mean when he approached, was that a telepathy? He was well aware of me not sleeping and drinking a lot (but I lied to him, don’t want him to worry). Is it merely a guess or he knows me that well? But what can I do as well, somehow drinking is bit relieving for me. At least, it puts me to sleep even if it’s for an hour.
On a second thought, I was like, did he browse my blog? No, no, no, I cannot even imagine that. If he does that, then I should be protecting post or stop venting out here. But if I have to stop here then I will be bottling up everything inside as I literally do not have anyone around to whom I can trust or share.
But hang on, he is a kind of person who hardly remembers his own accounts and details, I bet he cannot remember mine. As far I remember, I disapproved his request to follow my blog because this is the only place where I can be whoever I want to be and share things out. I know I do not have any serious follower and I do not even care. Basically, I am talking to myself here. I just need a platform to vent out and if any unknown people can share his/ her thoughts then they are always welcome but I do not feel comfy around with my own ppl thus I don’t want them here. If I feel like sharing, I share the particular post but do not allow them to go through the whole blog. And he is so lazy to scroll back all those thousands of messages to find the link to this blog.
I wonder how does he know all?
Now, another thing I kept on thinking was, why does he even want to start a conversation? I have told him a couple of times that he is not responsible for anything of I do. So why is he worried about me? He can stop. In fact, he should be happy I am out of his life now. Finally, his headache is gone but if he messages me like this then I might change my mind. And if I do so then it is going to be difficult for him. To be honest, I am already being greedy now and desperate to talk to him. But I will have to refrain myself, not for myself but for him.
He kept saying sorry but I kind of felt like he just wants to lift up my mood so that I will stop drinking and do things normally. So I kept wondering why is he even sorry and for what? Isn’t he the one always wanted to run away? Isn’t he the one wanted me to leave him? Then sorry for what? And why is he so vague always? He asked me to forgive him for asking to leave him. So does that mean the fact that he wants me to leave him is intact and yet want forgiveness for asking one? And he said, he wants to continue the Sunday plan with me. Now does this mean he doesn’t want me to leave him and asking for forgiveness for wanting me to leave him due to his short temper? Is it? Am I even getting it? Sigh!
I still want to continue the Sunday plan with you.
Oh man, when he said “with you” I melted down and forget everything that had happened. Again, I hesitated and controlled myself from getting false hope. I wonder if he means it? He did say he meant it but I still wonder if he really meant it to us. Or is he just trying to straighten up things for me so that I will get back on track? Is he forcing himself to do so and say these stuff? Did I again make him to things that he doesn’t want to?
He kept saying sorry and blaming him but I don’t know why? Like I mentioned earlier on one of the posts, we are not in a relationship, he never wanted one and yet he was saying sorry and blaming himself, which was out of my understanding. Why does he feel sorry? Why is he blaming himself? In this case, I am to blame one. I never listened to him and forced myself to have some hopes. I was the one who didn’t control the heart and the mind. So why is be being sorry? For what? I just cannot think straight and am so confused.
What should I do? How do I respond to him? Of course, I want to say let’s plan but that is not a right thing to do I guess. I cannot be selfish and greedy anymore.
However, I was happy about one particular thing. He got his Thunderbird 350. I am actually happy he decided and bought it. He was super confused and had spent so much of time on research. He contemplated on Thunderbird and Avenger. He was actually sad to know that Avenger had more good reviews and rating than the Thunderbird yet he stood by his decision. I really wish he will keep up that attitude for everything that will come across his life. I am really happy. Also, I wish him to get his license back so that he can travel everywhere without any worries and safe. When he told me he wanted to come here after he got the bike, I wanted to him, ‘Yes, I want to be the first one to ride his bike and travel’. But sigh! that would be just a dream. I can never ask for that. Anyway, I am happy for him. I am truly happy for him.
I have gone crazy. I have fallen for him madly. I fall for him every time I see him, every time I hear him, every time I talk to him and every time I read him. My heart still flutters, butterflies dance inside my stomach and then reality hits me hard saying, “wake up, I cannot have such dreams, I am not just allowed to unless I want to be selfish and greedy”.
And the tears rolled down, without even letting me know.
Sigh! and this is how I end my day so far……