When the mind gets noisy, you are one different person from who you are and it goes same on me. I am a different person. I think differently from the other times and the most of the time, I think useless.
I do give all my efforts to stop and control my brain but something is not just right, my mind just doesn’t listen to me. I try to laugh it off to make things light weighted, let go of the thought that had happened or would happen, but the curiosity inside me do not give up and that is when I “Fail”.
I don’t know if my mind is cluttered or the life? I have no answers to my own questions and I don’t know many things happening with my life. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want despite, I say things I want for my life. The whole universe is a mess, in fact, the universe I call it mine is a mess right now. Thus, I cannot stop myself thinking about my universe and let it be alone even for a second.
I want to fix, re-fix and move on with a gut but as I take a step ahead, I fall back with hundreds. This is where I am talking on, I am a different person when I start thinking. I overthink and usually overthinking leads to negativity. I know, I know it all but I, myself is a negative person for myself, let me stress here “for myself”. On the contrary, I am a very positive person about things and people around me and especially to the people I care. This conflicting character of me itself is a problem and I can’t seem to solve it regardless I know how to resolve.
My mind is constantly humming with ideas and dreams, worries and fears, that all my energy gets drained out on those millions of thoughts. As I try to restore and reconnect myself from this mental burnout, I tend to lose myself. I often even ask myself, who am I and what have I become? I want to seek for help but this noisy mind will remain as words and only words. Words, that will never to be told. I want to scream out loud of my lungs but I always end up with bottling in my heart. The loneliness is killing me inside but trust me, I am trying to fight back every single day. I seek for mediums to get this solved. I try to find somebody and muster up some courage to lean on, but I have no one around with whom I can lean on and share. Friends and family are there but they will never understand me. And I don’t expect them to understand me as I don’t understand myself.
Sigh! I am in a deep shit.
All these countless thoughts and words will just remain as they are; never been told and never to be told. They will just be buried into my noisy mind.