Piled up!

Well, I am in both good and bad shape.

I think I have gone crazy haha. I gave in and messaged him. We had a little push and pull session. he was scolding me for drinking. He was trying to explain things on what should I do, about life and other stuff. He says, he has a reason for why can’t we be together but not willing to share and I don’t like that. No matter how reserved he is, I think he should share that reason for me to get to a decision point. He thinks if he shares the reason it will ruin his life and of course am scared. However, being scared will not help as we both know we do enjoy each other’s company. So he needs to let go of his fear and share. He should really figure this out and need to understand where I am coming from. He really needs to understand me that I just do not love him for the strongest moments. He needs to understand why is it so important for me to know as I am still going to love him at his worst, with all the imperfections and basically with everything.

Well after that, we have been talking every single day with a fear of when I will be losing this guy any moment. But honestly, talking to him did calm me down a lot. My mind was a bit relaxed at least on a daytime. Well in the evenings, it was no different, it was always a noisy mind. I had to lie him that I have been getting good sleep but honestly, I wasn’t and I really do not want him to worry about. I was in need of my drink to make me numb and sleep. I do not blame for this as I started this habit. Recently, I am down with weather and medicines put me into a good sleep. So from 16th Nov to till date I am constantly struggling with myself, thoughts, questions, busiest mind and the sleepless nights.

On 11th Nov, we were talking normally and he asked me out. I was hesitating despite I so wanted to see him. So I ended up saying yes. I was a bit quick to reach my place and was waiting for me outside. When I saw him, he was super excited to show his new bhutbhute (bike) haha, and I was little disoriented with mixed feelings inside me. I was happy, sad, excited, and basically, I was feeling all giddy. Gosh, how much I missed him. He was little nervous and excited to give me ride. He was being cautious while riding and very chatty about his bike. He was boasting this and that but I was little worried if he was tried. He wasn’t riding it comfortably so I just kept quiet till he asks something. He actually had a limited time for me as he had a reunion on that day. He finished his work then went to buy chocolates and finally, the food. I was super hungry and haven’t had anything other than the tea, but I lied to him. I needed a place to sit and eat so we went to Dhokai Maa. He has to rush me to eat as he was getting late and as for me, I wanted to hold the time little longer. As he was leaving, he looked uber sweet and I fall for him one more time. He was feeling bad that he had to leave me in a rush, but that expression, that face, those eyes were after a while. The last was in Thailand and Redmud Cafe (when he was feeling awww :P). Yes, it’s a rare sight and moments. Gosh, I felt like calling him again and giving a tight hug but couldn’t muster up my courage. I missed him that badly.

After that, we are talking and not. We are there and not. Hence, I am lost, lost in the thoughts. I wonder how will I solve this and get sorted. I was thinking and still thinking. I am nowhere near to any conclusion.

I wish and can only wish ……

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Bro Talk

Today it’s about him and a dear friend of mine. And oh yes, I am due with updates; it’s like they’re all piled up with my mind only as I have been thinking and analyzing lots and lots. Anyway, let me continue with this post.

Him is him (Mr. Him).

And this close friend is someone who introduced me to him. A friend who is very sweet and helpful always. But this time he has his story as well and it’s complicated.

He shared his story with me as always but this time around I wasn’t much help to him as my mind is not working as well. I feel for him and know well what he is going through and yet I am helpless. So, I thought how about this friend and him have a talk. Like girls go easy on girls, I thought guys would go the same way, maybe the bro way. Also, I have another reason for doing this, i.e. I want these two to get along well and do not need any third wheel. I want them to catch-up more often without me, I want them to be close enough to share their stories and beers and I want them to be the support to each other at bad times. A friend in a brother.

So finally this friend of mine spoke up about his complicated situation with him. I was really glad that it went well. I was surprised to know that Mr. him shared his experience along with his opinions, obviously, he didn’t share the deep down story but was contextual. And that coming from him is something as he is a very reserved person.

On the other hand, I was disturbed by the suggestions he gave to this friend. They were not bad for my friend but I got to know how does he take this matter as. My mind started to wander around again. It made me think about many questions that I piled up inside. I am wondering if he is more fickle minded or me? I seriously don’t know how to deal with this and my stupid heart.

Oh yes, and this bro talk thing is something I am always curious about. I mean I am always curious about how and what do guys talk when girls are not around haha. And as I knew about this friend gonna open up himself with Mr him, I was even more curious. I would get to know about my curiosity among the circle. haha!

So, I actually waited for Mr. him to share with me and blah blah blah. But I guess I was too impatient. I asked him about the evening but he was like acting all unknown and questioned me back as if he wanted to dig more or wants to know what I know on this matter. He was acting all the way for me to say first but I didn’t want to. I was more curious about bro talks than the problem of this friend. He ended up with being quiet and I was little sad which made me question myself.

Like always, I end up myself thinking about him and us. So I started questioning, “Does he mean anything about us till now?; Was he ever serious about us?; The suggestions he gave to my friend made me think, maybe, he was never serious or meant it because he is not ready to fight for it. He is in fact not willing (i guess); So what are we?; Friends! Sure?; What are we doing now?; Why are we intentionally hurting each other?; Why are we playing this push and pull game?; Why does he push me away when I go closer to him and pull me closer when I try to go away from him?; and many more.”

Sigh!

After all this good feeling about with these two bros, I ended up with a noisy mind. Little bitterly disturbed.

A Visitor

Meeting someone in life is something thats actually amazing
Thats because he brings himself with his past, present, and his future
Thats because someone’s whole life comes along
The heart is fragile
Therefore, it might have been broken,
That heart is coming too
I am curious to know,
what kind of paths your heart went through.
The reason my heart hurts so much,
when I learned of the path his heart went through..
isn’t jealousy nor frustration
I dreamed of loving someone
The fact that you ended your love was bit sad…
Even though, you know it well,
and even though you have gone through before,
I believe whatever happens here after is no one’s fault
It will happen just to be that way
Like some waves keep on flowing while the others break
It just happens that way
So don’t worry too much
It’s not like you know all about today,
just because you lived yesterday
The fragile heart of yours might have been broken before,
but that heart still have chance to come to me
The truth may be painful and dark,
but the story will only begin then.

When the mind gets noisy!

When the mind gets noisy, you are one different person from who you are and it goes same on me. I am a different person. I think differently from the other times and the most of the time, I think useless.

I do give all my efforts to stop and control my brain but something is not just right, my mind just doesn’t listen to me. I try to laugh it off to make things light weighted, let go of the thought that had happened or would happen, but the curiosity inside me do not give up and that is when I “Fail”.

I don’t know if my mind is cluttered or the life? I have no answers to my own questions and I don’t know many things happening with my life. Honestly, I don’t even know what I want despite, I say things I want for my life. The whole universe is a mess, in fact, the universe I call it mine is a mess right now. Thus, I cannot stop myself thinking about my universe and let it be alone even for a second.

I want to fix, re-fix and move on with a gut but as I take a step ahead, I fall back with hundreds. This is where I am talking on, I am a different person when I start thinking. I overthink and usually overthinking leads to negativity. I know, I know it all but I, myself is a negative person for myself, let me stress here “for myself”. On the contrary, I am a very positive person about things and people around me and especially to the people I care. This conflicting character of me itself is a problem and I can’t seem to solve it regardless I know how to resolve.

My mind is constantly humming with ideas and dreams, worries and fears, that all my energy gets drained out on those millions of thoughts. As I try to restore and reconnect myself from this mental burnout, I tend to lose myself. I often even ask myself, who am I and what have I become? I want to seek for help but this noisy mind will remain as words and only words. Words, that will never to be told. I want to scream out loud of my lungs but I always end up with bottling in my heart. The loneliness is killing me inside but trust me, I am trying to fight back every single day. I seek for mediums to get this solved. I try to find somebody and muster up some courage to lean on, but I have no one around with whom I can lean on and share. Friends and family are there but they will never understand me. And I don’t expect them to understand me as I don’t understand myself.

Sigh! I am in a deep shit.

All these countless thoughts and words will just remain as they are; never been told and never to be told. They will just be buried into my noisy mind.

Trillion millions of thoughts!

As the subject states, I have a very noisy mind. I often wander around many thoughts and end up nowhere. And another thing is, I usually have so many questions and never understood “Why?” questions. I am not sure how much will I make sense while questioning myself off that stuff that I encounter around me or related to myself or others. These questions are not just based on my life or stories but things I see, hear and observe. It could be absolute rubbish and nonsense or it could be something very outstanding and intelligent.

Well, from here on, I will be posting all those questions that I’ve never understood. Help me if anyone reading this can answer me or relate. If you think I am just being noisy and wasting my time then let it be because I barely get the guts to question or at least express myself.

And yes, I am not just gonna ask why but will be asking/mentioning other stuff as well. So here I go 😉

#1. Why is it so difficult to get the answers of “Why?”?

#2. Why am I writing this?

#3. Why am I so bad in reading and writing?

#4. Why do brides over makeup on their special day and look ugly rather pretty?
(Sorry no offense but I seriously do not get this :/)

#5. Why do brides cry their heart out on her wedding day and comes back home smiling the next day, as if it wasn’t her crying the other day?

#6. Why do boys always blame girls and vice versa?
(Has anyone won ever?)

#7. Why do people change and is never ready to admit it?

#8. Why girls have to get married early?

#9. Why do people talk about others?

#10. Why do girls overly express herself out and boys just do not express at all?

#11. Why do inferior thoughts take over you and block the other ways?

#12. Why it is hard to win over negativity?

#13. Why did I even make such habit (could be anything) that now it’s so hard to let go?

#14. Why people do not respect other’s choice/s?

#15. Why the ego is greater than anything else?

#16. Why educated people cannot properly act like an educated people?

#17. Why are people so much worried about society?

#18. When someone says the truth, becomes very straight and honest then why does that make person lonely?

#19. When someone wants to do something and his/her ego stops that person, why does ego always win?

#20. Why do we always understand the importance of the loved ones when they are far?

#21. Being a girl myself, I never understood, how can one dress so lightly in winters when going for the party?
(heaps of parties esp during wedding seasons, I see girls wearing a nude blouse and sari only and I wonder how, how, how LOL! I just cannot, I need thick clothes haha)

#22. Beauty lies in beholder’s eyes. Is that for the eyes only or heart as well?

#23. Can someone actually like an ugly looking person but got a beautiful heart inside as his/her companion? Can that person be real? I hear this shit heaps and have not figured it out yet.

#24. Why do poems sounds very nice when they rhyme?

#25. We cannot count stars but why is it so much fun just by gazing at them?

#26. As one grows old, why the fear grows along?

#27. Why do things for which one has to hide, lie or fear about?

#28. Why do vernalized trees look so beautiful? Empty and dry yet so meaningful.

#29. When someone is reserved, nothing comes out and when close enough, it is like an open book but why there is no in between. How one should deal with it?

#30. Everybody, even lunatic people realize things about their life and act on it; but why is that I’m so behind without any realization and if there are any chances of realization then why cannot I act on it at all?

#31. Addition to #30, If it is about willingness and determination then why don’t I have it? Despite the effort of developing it, why do I fail each time?

#32. One hides the true feeling on what s/he wants to do and creates this push and pull game for no reason. Why?

#33. People say I care but do they really care?

#34. What’s fake and real marriage? Many articles on it, strange!

#35. Why do people drift away so easily when one is less interested in what they are talking about?

#36. Why kids these days are so smart?

#37. What is the end?

#38. Does end mean end life only?

#39. Can I ever live peacefully, freely and happily?

#40. Why is it so wrong to be right?

#41. Why you gotta be the sweet bitch to get your voice heard?

#42. Why does one get so much cranky when on periods?

#43. What should one do when s/he is really frustrated?

#44. Why do down syndrome people look alike? (is it just me? is it too offensive to ask?)

#45. Could it be the betrayal? Playing around with me?

#46. Unrequited Love, strange, funny and very very very tiring yet why do one fall for it time and again? Why one does not learn or do something about it?

#47. Why pretending always work? Why pretending is easy and also makes people around you happy and unnoticed?

#48. Why does one randomly dislike an unknown person?

#49. One does clearly realize on the path s/he’s moving and knows very well that it’s a wrong choice, yet goes on and on until s/he gets hurt. Why?

#50. When someone cannot ask for the claims s/he wants to then it hurts himself/ herself with all the unnecessary insecurities. How can that be fixed?

#51. What is Dream?

#52. Does anyone has an answer for “where will my life lead to?”?

#53. Worshipping God, prayers: so do they actually work?

#54. Can worshipping God change people or circumstances?

#55. Talking about changing people, isn’t it suppose to be people’s thought that needs to be changed?

#56. If worshipping God can change things, people and circumstances then why are we living in a today’s terrible world?

#57. Why people are talking about world war instead of peace?

#58. Who are gods actually?

#59. Rules: set for to follow or just for convenience?

#60. If a person lies then why is it so hard to give an another chance?

#61. Sleep paralysis, why do they occur and reoccur? Do they have any meaning in real life?

#62. Who can answer of Why?

#63. Why the fear of losing is greater than anything, at least to me?

#64. Everything I do, say or think is a problem. How do I solve this? Am I the sole problem?

…… more to come!

Unknown Path

Well, I had the title, wrote few lines too and was saved in a draft long time back. Trying to recall, but cannot. Wondering what was I thinking that time, seems to have no answer. Sharing it anyway 😉

Life is a traveler’s road, travelling this way and that

On the road that is travelled upon just as the clouds roll on by

Let’s not get too attached, or have unsolved feelings

Life is a traveler’s road, it goes by without a destination.