Him: Leave me and go!
Her: Say it out again.
Her: Did you mean it when you say leave me and go?
Him: Umm, I mean it. (Without any single hesitation)
Her: Huh, say it again.
Her: Did you mean it when you say leave me and go?
Him: Yes, I mean it.
After this, things are just not right. Too many accidents. Too many lies. I have to do something to distract and cover up my lies. A lot of heart and mind war as you see the messaging popping out everywhere. But then I decided not to fall for and change my mind because I know if I melt then I will again bother him and be the burden which he cannot express ever.
Started off by leaving home to the venue and trolled around. It was really hard to kill time in that mindset so decided to watch the movie. Well, when you are having a tough time, it feels like the world is against you and that is exactly what happened. Due to some film festival, there was limited choice of movie and timing. So I decided to go back home. On the way back home I wanted to try my luck at QFX Labim as I really do not want to go back home and cry. This time round I really do not want to cry and trust me, I was holding back really well. So I got the ticket for Golmaal where as I wanted to watch Secret Superstar but who cares right? The timing was perfect. I was there at the movies but I was lost. The movie wasn’t much of help to get me the distraction.
I came back home and straight to my room without letting anyone know to avoid questions. I was holding up well. Went to the chatroom and was laughing and teasing but suddenly, I felt like I was being haunted. Viber’s notification ringtone, iMessage’s ringtone started buzzing around me continuously but obviously not from him. I don’t know happened but suddenly I started getting messages from other friends and even annoying missed calls. I cannot explain how was I feeling each time I hear those tones. I almost had gone crazy.
I thought I will be able to sleep as the night before was almost to the horror for me. But nothing was working on me hence, I drank. Instead of sleeping I was more active and all over on FB with posts. Decided to stop and update the new OS for mac. Eventually, did sleep for an hour or two (I think).
As I woke up and checked the status of the OS update it wasn’t complete. I felt empty in the morning and before I hit myself with my overthinking, I started ma FB saaga and youtube on my phone. After a while, I realized the update got frozen and I felt helpless. During that chaos, a lot of people started to message me asking, did you sleep? What’s all about the flooding and the status? But hey, can I not do that as well? Come on, if that disturbs then leave me alone and stop asking questions.
Sigh! And right then, a “Hi” pops up. I was super happy and sad at the same time. I didn’t check that message as I really do not want to fall for that again and be the burden. I do not even want to hurt him unintentionally. So, I focused on my fixing laptop as I interrupted the update, mac was not functioning well. I felt panic and don’t know what to do. I was really worried about the notes where I wrote down all my feelings which I can ever share with him or anyone. Those were for me only. Secondly, I had my passwords written down there as I have a very poor memory. Another thing I was worried about the photos of us. I had a separate folder where I stored all the photos of us, just the two of us.
As the clock hit 10. I went to mac support to fix it and they were like you have to leave the laptop here. I was hesitant but have no option and returned back home. I started my FB saaga again as I have nothing to do nor have anyone to talk to. I broke down inside and barely was holding up my tears. I got a call from mac support and said my hard drive got crashed and formatting is the only solution. Asked me to visit them before they start formatting. After I hear that, I couldn’t control myself. Seems everything is tearing apart. He asks me to leave, now the memories that i stored in that folder is very precious to me and will be gone. Tears rolled down but I cannot even cry openly because of my mom and the kids coming in and out of my room. So I rushed to mac support holding a hope to retrieve those folders back. Unfortunately, no files and folder can be retrieved. They said formatting will take a little time so I decided to go for Secret Superstar as I really do not wanted to go back home.
Went to QFX Civil Mall, got the ticket. I was not sure of what I was doing. Whenever I was low or angry in the past, the retail therapy used to help me calm down. So I hit it for another round of solo movie. The movie was really nice. After ages, I watched something this good. However, I was haunted there too. Each strum of the guitar makes my heart weaker, reminds me of him playing guitar and singing, and I just couldn’t control myself. Since I was seating in the middle of unknown people, I didn’t hesitate myself from crying. At the same time, the storyline of the movie resembles the part of my life and that added on top. I just let myself loose and cried my heart out loud till the eyeballs out. I guess that helped me a bit to feel little lighter as he was on my mind all day long and thinking about how should I move ahead.
I rushed back to mac support to get my laptop and they charged me NPR 4000/-. It wowed me. I lost all my memories stored and yet had to pay that much of amount to get the laptop fixed. I wanted to scream saying I want that folder back. Sigh!
I came back home and started reinstalling apps and everything. I reinstalled Skype where we initially used to chat and talk. Guess what, Skype got updated and all the old conversations are gone, another memory. I had pinned that account just for those memories we had and I love to read them over and over sometimes.
I just don’t know how to feel and how to react. Nothing was going right. Then another “hi” pops up. I wanted to share so much about what had happened since that night, I wanted to hear his voice so badly, I wanted to ask him again if he really meant it? But trust me I really don’t want to force him into anything and become the burden again. I really want him to remember all those good memories only. So I had to be a mean person and finally replied his message with all mean stuff and rudely. I guess I was rude enough to him not to reply back. That’s it. As long as he thinks am the bad one, it will help both of us. He will prolly move, he will able to do more stuff which he couldn’t because of me and also may be will be able to find his right one. As for me, as much as I don’t want this, I will be able to help him to move on and free him from the burdens I gave. I am not angry with him and I really want him to be happy and successful. But at the same time, I want to face him.
I don’t know, I just don’t know what am I doing and thinking but I really want to use this blog to vent out myself as I cannot share to others about what I am feeling and going through.
Do anyone think I need help here? What should I do next? I miss him heaps and lost his friendship too but I guess that is a right thing to do for him.
PS. I regret everything but i guess regret will be my medium to survive.